Tuesday, September 21, 2010

There is a Cry in There Somewhere

I have a cry that is stuck. It's right there. Right under the surface. You can almost see it.

It's directly impacted by all of those things that build up. All of the things that I try to avoid. All of the stress. All of the anger. All of the desperate sadness. The grief. All of the minutes, hours, days, and even years of stuffing. Do you do that? Do you stuff? Do you try to make it all go away? Assume that if you just leave the pile of garbage, of stress, of emotional turmoil, of little things, and big things, that they'll all go away if you just ignore them long enough? It might fix itself. It might quit eating at you. It might go away.

The cry below the surface is the exact reason that I have zero success at bringing myself down. Zero success at true relaxation. Massages, meditation, thoughtful reflection. Can't do it. I've tried. But that flight of fight thing? Kicks in every time.

It's going to come out. A death. A birth. or something little. A song at the right time. Or wrong time. Some stupid movie. A TV show. When I need it. Is that even a concept? Is it a "need"? In the meantime it just sits there.

It's right there. Right below the surface. Can you see it?


OK. So here we are the next morning. I should NOT blog at 11:00 at night. Can I hear an amen?

Things aren't worse than they ever are. Just seemed more so last night. Had to do some things yesterday that just brought carppy stuff up to the service. And Hubby wasn't home from work until really late and fell asleep soon after. So I couldn't talk to him. So I was left with marginal TV and too many internet searches and way too much time to get stuck in my own head. Which of course happens more often than it should.

But I am as OK as I ever am. Thanks for your concern. : )


Shannon Joy said...

Hi Carolyn-I found you through your comment on my blog so I checked yours out. I haven't had a chance to read through it yet but just this post. It sounds like the cry needs to come out. Try these songs, "This is where the healing begins" by Tenth Avenue North and "before the morning" by josh wilson. Youtube them. Google them. Whatever you do-listen to them. Have a good cry and consider the truth. I have no clue what you are going through but I went through the year of hell last lyear battling a life-changing arthritis at just 28 years od with 2 small boys. It was horrific. But God brought me through it and he HEALED ME!!!! And that's just the short version. :) I will get into the whole story on my blog someday soon I hope.

Lanel said...

I can't see your cry but I've felt mine bubbling up to explosive force but never quite releasing except maybe in an inappropriate argument or snip at someone.

If I were closer I'd help you release it. :)