Wednesday, March 11, 2015
I got mad.
My blogging had literally been an attempt to regain my sanity on a day to day basis. But then one day I posted about missing Erin. I was in an awful and dark place that week. And I got an absolutely nasty email from someone about the post. They told me to "get over it. Move on. There is more to life." I hope that their intentions were not to hurt. Not to make me so angry that I refused to post for a while. What turned out to be a long while. I want to believe that they really did not know that what they said would rock my core. But it did.
I didn't talk to anyone for a while. And then I realized that one liners on Facebook work just fine too. And those don't require any time commitment. :)
But I have come to realize lately that I need to blog again. I need to write. I need to ramble. I need to vent. Here is more public than Facebook. But I am ready to embrace the fact that writing really does help me find my lost sanity.
So welcome back! Let's have a party. I'll bring the booze.
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
You are all having the wrong discussion. It isn't about the suicide itself. It's about depression. Deep deep depression. Chronic depression or a bi-polar depression phase. It's not about being selfish. Suicidal people actually believe it would be better for everyone around them if they were no longer the burden they perceive themselves to be. It isn't about being able to point at an event or a situation and say, "that is what is making me sad." It's about something you can't point at. Something you can't touch.
You don't cry. You don't sob. You can't. Tears don't wash it out. If you are crying you've been tipped. Tipped over. Crying lets a little bit out. Buys you a little time. But not really. If people see you cry, they'll know something is wrong. You can tell them the little thing that just tipped you. But they can't know about anything else. About the deep dark place that you are stuck in. No idea why you are here.
It is not about being a coward. Do you know how much courage it takes to get out of bed every day? It is about being sick. A sick you can't tell people about. It makes you vulnerable. Mental illness. Everyone just sees "mental". Not the illness part. You aren't mental. You go to work every day. You show up when you are supposed to. You put your kids on the bus this morning. You made dinner. You put one foot in front of the other. How bad can you really be? But it is a sick that you can't even explain. Because when you are in it you often don't realize how deep you are falling. You have to decide to admit you can't fix this on your own. You have to make this decision at a time when you can't really make a decision to save your life. But you have to decide to get help. You have to to save your life.
But you can't tell your parents. What can they do? They already worry about you. You can't tell your friends. They know you are "crazy" in the fun sort of way. What if they knew that you really are crazy? Would they still be your friend? So you just don't call them for a while. You pick fights and end friendships over something silly. That way you don't have to lose them because they found out your secret. You may even try to "give it all to God." But the voices in your head, the rationality that you don't realize isn't rational won't let you. You can't really even tell your Doctor. As soon as they write that depression or bi-polar diagnosis in your chart, you lose everything. Everyone will know. Insurance will red-flag you. It costs more to treat a diabetic in their lifetime than it will cost to treat you and get you on medication that will work well long term. But they limit mental illness coverage. Because, you know. It is a different kind of sick. A different kind of illness.
Depression doesn't go away just because you talk about it. You can't "talk it out." It doesn't go away when you try to ignore it. It isn't something you can just "get over" or "get through." It isn't something you can really ever understand. Even when it is you that it is happening to.
Suicide? How can you even think about that? It isn't rational. You know. It sure seems like an option though. Maybe your only option.
“The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill herself doesn't do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It’s not desiring the fall; it’s terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling ‘Don’t!’ and ‘Hang on!’, can understand the jump. Not really. You’d have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling.” ― David Foster Wallace
If you have never been there you truly never imagine what it might feel like. I hope you never know what it feels like. But someone near to you does. Someone you care about. They can't reach out though. They can't tell you. They can't tell anyone. You have to watch out for it. And when they tell you everything is OK. and "Don't worry, I'll be fine." They are lying. Keep a closer eye on them. Ask around. If more than a few of you are worried. It is probably not OK. It probably needs attention. Help them. They can't help themselves.
Get them to a Dr. Call and make the appointment if you have to. Take them to the Dr. They will tell you they will go on their own. They won't. They will probably not even call. But they HAVE to go. Medical intervention is the only way to fix this. It is the only way that they will be OK. Modern medicine has wonderful options to keep the people that were the "crazy people" of the 1940's out of the institutions now. Modern pharmaceuticals are why we no longer need the institutions for the crazy people. Doctors can't fix it all together. But they can make it manageable. But you HAVE to help them get the help.
Help them before the flames trap them against the ledge.
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Thursday, June 2, 2011
- I miss Erin.
- I want her back.
- I miss Erin.
- I want her back.
- I am tired of doing this.
- 10 years is impossible to fathom.
- This isn't the way it was supposed to be.
- I love Erin.
- I miss Erin.
- I want her back.
Friday, May 27, 2011
- I want to learn to play the ukulele. This is solely so I can play "Love Shack".
- I spent most of Wednesday sitting at my desk crying off and on. I wonder if days like that will ever stop.
- The Babe is going to be gone all next week. Is she really old enough to be staying with someone else for an entire week?
- I have no idea what I am going to do with myself for a whole week with no Babe.
- While not always G or PG rated this blog makes me LAUGH!! It did however about give my husband a coronary when I left it on on his computer and he came home to the sex words on his screen.
- Fritz the Cat is in the animation category on Netflix. I about died when the Babe turned it on. Yes, my 4 year old can run Netflix on the TV. That said, did you know there are no parental controls on Netflix?
- My sister and her family just came back from a cruise. I am WAY jealous. I need a cruise.
- I bought a powerball ticket for Wednesday's drawing. I haven't checked it yet. I should probably do that. Maybe I can afford a cruise!
- I have been looking at a lot of pictures of fireflies this week. Did you know there aren't many drawings of fireflies other than ones that are just lights?
- I have to go drive to Des Moines. I hate driving to Des Moines. But I figured out that I have made the Omaha - Cedar Rapids or Omaha - Des Moines trip nearly 80 times in the last 9 years. That's pretty nuts. Does explain why I hate driving that way though.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Kids run away. Every day. Most of the families I have talked to over the years had kids that were missing because they ran away. Kids have problems. Sometimes HUGE ones. Sometimes little ones. What may seem insignificant or minor to us as adults may be seen by a teenager as life ending or insurmountable. Their parents "don't understand". And honestly? we often don't. Not from a 15 year old perspective. As hard as we try, we don't really remember all of the disaster that we and/or other teenagers felt when we were teenagers.
Please make sure that your teenagers have someone safe to talk to. Someone that you trust and that they trust. Someone that you both agree is someone they can go to no matter what. As much as we want to always be that person in their life, we won't always be.
There will always be something that you can't tell your mom or dad. Think about it. You had them too. You probably still do. Things you still feel like you can't tell anyone. Your kids, they feel that way more often than we would like them to. So that person that you and your kid both trust? Your child needs to know that there is a "safe" adult in their life. And you need to be OK with the fact that they will tell them things that they don't want you to know about. Not now. And maybe not ever. And you need to be OK with that. It is REALLY hard but it is essential.
I firmly and undeniably believe that Erin did NOT run away. I've know that with my heart since day 1. But I used to wish that that was the reason she was gone. It seemed so much better than the alternative. At least if she had run away this whole thing would have been her decision. That she could pick up the phone and call and say "come get me." or "I'm OK." I'd give anything for that phone call even today. I'd love to be proven wrong. But most missing kids are runaways. The statistics are undeniable. Please don't let one of them be yours.
Today is National Missing Children’s Day.
I’ve been trying to figure out all morning what to say about about it on Facebook. I can't seem to figure out the condensed into a "however many characters fit in my status" message.
- Please take the opportunities today to hug the children in your life.
- Take a few minutes to talk to them about safety.
- Make sure you know what your kids are doing on the internet. Help them know what is safe and what is NOT. Learn for yourself what is safe and what is NOT.
- Say a prayer for those who can’t do the same today -- those who have missing children. Those who have children that have been abducted and murdered.
- Take a look at the pictures of the missing kids in your area on Missing Kids.com -- Kids come HOME because of people that see their picture and recognize them and get involved.
- Take a "mugshot" kind of picture of your child. Do you know how long it took me to find a good full front picture of Erin? We hadn't bought school pictures that year. We didn't have the money. The one we ended up using for all of the posters was a picture the school took for her school ID.
- Go read this about runaways and one BIG thing you can do to help prevent it with your own kids.
- Hug the kids in your life again.
Now how do I summarize the above into a status update?
Friday, May 20, 2011
- Tomorrow the Babe graduates from preschool. This is going by too fast.
- I have been craving lemon bars. But I'm the only one in my house that likes them so I haven't made them. It wouldn't be good. But man, do I want these lemon bars.
- Golf. I was guilted into taking up golf again. Went to the driving range for the first time in something like 9 years. I still suck but I had fun!
- I bought a new pair of shoes today at the Goodwill. But then I started thinking about the fact that someone else had their feet in these shoes. And now I'm not so sure. But they are Josef Seibel shoes. So I need to get over the temporary icks and just wear them. They are cute for heaven's sake.
- We've eaten WAY too many clementines in the last month. the Babe loves that she can peel them by herself.
- The Babe wants a fairy party for her birthday in July. I'm now obsessed with looking up fairy stuff on Etsy.
- Calvin and Hobbes: Hobbes originally had pads on his hands and feet but Bill Waterson (the creator) found them too distracting and removed them.
- I got up too early today.
- Picking out tomato plants will be the highlight of my day today. Yeah me! No really. I am excited about it!
- I'm going to walk around tomorrow singing "It's the End of the World As We Know It."
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
When Erin disappeared, no one told us we should keep her toothbrush or her hairbrush. She was just a teenage run away you know. We wouldn't need to identify remains a decade later or anything like that. So we didn't save anything.
So instead, about a month ago, the county sheriff came and took a DNA sample from Jim (Erin's dad) and Amber (Erin's sister). The can use that DNA to reconstruct a DNA match in the database. The DNA database is in Ft Worth, Texas. They are working on matching DNA in missing persons' cases to known DNA samples.
I'm not holding out hope for a match. Because that would mean I no longer have any "hope" that Erin will be home.
And I'm not ready for that yet.
Monday, May 9, 2011
- Get over yourself. I don't care. Neither does anyone else.
- Cryptic? Yes, you are. But that's OK with me. Just don't get pissed when people start asking you invasive questions afterwards.
- If you post a link to it with no comment to the contrary, people are going to assume that you agree with it. If you don't? You should probably re-think the general idea of your link/post/tag.
- Quit taking pictures of yourself in the mirror. No one looks good that way. Especially when we can still see the camera IN THE PHOTO!!
- No. I didn't get a nap today. What is your point?
- I don't care what animal pooped in the garden in your Country Farm Town Life today. Can you please shut off those postings? Yeah. Thanks.
- I don't play Country Farm Town Life. You can send me ALL of the requests you want. I still won't play.
- I didn't see your post/invite/cause request. It isn't personal. It was just buried in my "Country Farm Town Life" requests. It will only hold 99 of them you know.
- No. I wasn't on here all day. My computer just thought I was because I forgot to close the tab. That said... how would you think that I was on her all day if you hadn't been on here all day to SEE that I was ON HERE all day?
- I didn't want to talk to you before we graduated High School. Why would I want to talk to you now?
...- - - ...
-.-. .- .-. --- .-.. -.-- -.
Monday, March 28, 2011
I wonder how many of these I can find on Netflix. Which, by the way, I am addicted to. That and Hulu. Which explains the lack of blogging. Ok. Not really. Nothing really explains it.
I'm going to go to bed now. Before I use the excuse that "it is past midnight" to say something stupid. Aww. Who am I kidding. I need no excuse to say something stupid.
Peace and Love dears. Peace and Love.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Friday, March 11, 2011
- Margaritas (in the Pusher's world) are enhanced with a splash of beer.
- If it is "liquor before beer, you're in the clear. Beer before Liquor never sicker quicker." what happens if you drink liquor and beer at the same time?
- Dos Equis and Jose Cuervo only sound like a good idea with Mexican food. If the Mexican food is from the Target take out deli section it really makes no difference.
- It has taken me a 1/2 hour to get this far because I have no attention span.
- Purses right now are ugly. seriously ugly. buckles and ruffles and flowers oh my.
- There really is no reason to have cable anymore. Netflix and Hulu are really all you need to waste a few good hours a day.
- Yoga is supposedly good for hangovers. Pusher will test this theory in the morning.
- Shanghai is the largest city in the world. Wikipedia told us so.
- Why is it that men can get completely engrossed in a TV show and tell you all of the details of the hour long show but can't remember 10 seconds worth of a 5 minute long serious conversation?
- When you spill Red Kool Aid on the Pusher's kitchen table she just laughs.
Did I ever tell you about the time I dyed my hair with Kool-Aid powder? huh. I should probably come back to that later.
Happy Weekend! We are going to the Matinee tomorrow. Leftover from the night before movie popcorn. yum. whatever. You KNOW you are jealous.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
- Craigslist. I need a set of bunk beds. I found the "I think will be a good choice ones." I messaged the seller yesterday and asked to come and look at them. He messaged back. I messaged him my cell phone number. But he must not have thought I was serious. Because he never called me. And he re-posted the beds today. hmmph.
- Penny Pinchin Mom and other coupon and grocery ad sites/blogs. You see, I spent $122 at the grocery store tonight and I came home with way less bags than a person should come home with when they just spent $122 at the grocery store. and I found this one lady who was bragging about buying $78 of grocery and supplies at CVS for $17. And now I am stuck on finding better ways to spend my next $122.
- The IRS website. It seems to be down. And I need information off of it to finish a return for someone. This bites by the way.
- facebook. I've refreshed it about 100 times. I think I may have a problem. nah. I refuse to get a twitter account by the way.
- Expedia.com -- I am once again planning a vacation I do not have the money to take.
- ConsumerReports and Good Housekeeping websites. I need to buy a new vacuum. And I don't want to waste money on another crappy and doesn't suck sweeper.
- And I got sucked (punny huh?) into Amazon.com because they reportedly have the best price on the vacuum Consumer Reports says I should get.
- Amazon.com again. Looking for a book to read next time so I don't get sucked into the internet.
- Verizon's cellphone website. I need a new phone. But I can't bring myself to buy a data plan. So my choices are limited. And I apparently think that if I keep looking on the site some cool new "feature phone" will magically appear.
- cnet.com -- so they can tell me what kind of cell phone to get if I can bring myself to get a data plan phone.