Thursday, March 25, 2010

The Reason I Started This Blog in the First Place

Blogging was supposed to be a way for me to rant and rave and whine about all of the things that drive me to the edge of crazy. Thus the "lost sanity" part. I am pretty whacked most of the time. Good medication is the only thing between me and cracking this time of year.

The reason for the insanity? Bottom Line. Erin. And the fact that some mean person took her away from us. And now we don't know where she is. And it's been nearly 9 years. And not a day goes by that I don't feel like I could fall apart at any moment. And then I gather myself and look at all the blessings we do have. And then how I'd trade almost all of them to know where she is. It's an endless cycle I tell you. And there is truly no way that anyone can understand without living through it. So I seriously hope that you never understand.

Well a couple of weeks ago, we thought we were going to have a media opportunity that ended up falling through. But I asked the NCMEC if they could update Erin's age progression. And they did. And they sent it to me. And I tried to process it But I couldn't. Until tonight.

I remember feeling sorry for the families who had had age progressions done of their missing children. How when we first started hanging flyers all over the free world that I was at Wal-Mart and they posted Erin's poster on their board for me. I stood there in disbelief. How is it that it is MY kid that is up there? This isn't real. Can't be. Then I saw the kids with age progressions. I felt sorry for their parents. My daughter will be found way before we'll even think about an age progression. How sad for them. But it won't be us.

And now it is. We're on our third age progression actually. Kick in the head. This isn't supposed to be us. But it is. My friend Colleen Nick said it best I think. "No parent should have to watch their child grow up on a computer." It sucks I tell you. In ways I can't even explain.

But here it is. Erin, Age progressed to 24 years old. Is that even possible? She's almost 24. Doesn't seem possible. In my head she is still 15. And until I see her again I think that's the only face I'll see. Her at 15.

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So what do you think? They used pics of Amber and Jimmy to age it. Those of you that know her. Do you think she'd look anything like this? Like I said. She is still 15 in my head. So I have a hard time seeing her as anything else.

Updated posters to follow. I think I just need to sit with the picture for a few more days. I'll put it together after that.

God, I miss her.


The Queen of Chaos said...

Oh Carolyn, I have tears rolling right now. She is simply beautiful!! I continue to pray that she comes home soon. I will be adding this to my blog and linking to here. Not till tomorrow, I'm too tired now.

BigPerm said...

I follow your blog because I read several entries and really loved your style; what you wrote about and how you wrote about it.
This is the most painfully beautiful thing I have read, maybe ever.
The love and hope that pervades every word you wrote are a shining beacon. I offer my sincere sympathy for your situation, though I know that it is no salve, no solution.
I hope you don't need any more age progressions, I hope your Erin comes home to you.